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The Noobs Strike Back/Transcripts

[crash, long honk]

[bell rings]

Principal: Where's Kevin? And don't lie to your principal!

Tyler: Haven't seen him. But if you see him, tell him we're looking for him too.

Shope: You skipped science class?

Kevin: I don't wanna be a scientist, so why should I go to science class?

Tyler: 'Cause it's required by law.

Shope: We learned how antibodies attach themselves to a virus to kill it. It's fascinating to see how some things so small are working together to destroy something so big and deadly!

Kevin: Man, your smart smile freaks me out. Now, Slingshot Paintball Super Battle starts in 3... 2... Gahh! [to Jock Jockerson] Hey! Watch where you're going!

Jock Jockerson: Uh, do you know who I am?

Shope: You are Jock Jockerson. Popular 8th grade captain of everything who has the IQ of a goat.

Jock Jockerson: A goat? Where?!

Tyler: Run!

Jock Jockerson: There was. No. Goat.

Kevin: You know, we may be small, but we're like sciency anti-somethings. And we will surround you and crush you!

Jock Jockerson: [laughs] I'd like to see you loser noobs try and stop [inhales] The Jock!


Roach: Back off! Or face my bee powers!

Tyler: Bee powers could be cool.

Kevin: Super cool.

Roach: Don't make me unleash... the honey-sweet wrath!


[Noobs scream]

Shope: Remind me why I'm friends with you people?

Tyler: Well, we live on the same street, we love slingshot paintball, and you intimidate everyone else in school.

Shope: Right...

Tyler: Now, stop talking. You talk too much and I wanna beat Kevin for once.

Shope: I do not talk too much! I simply express my opinion on issues I-- [screams]

Kevin: Ha! Victory!

Tyler: Now you're not talking?!

Roach: Slingshot arms could be cool!

Shope: Stop obsessing about superpowers! All of you. They do not exist.

Kevin: Okay, girl. Well, what if we got hit with gamma rays?

Shope: We would develop skin lesions, then explode!

Tyler: Well, what if--

Shope: A hero arrived from outer space? Well, even though the universe is infinite, there is no proof of a close encounter of any kind!

[Galacticus swooshes]

Kevin: Then what the heck is that?

Zenblock: [speaking alien language]


Memnock: [speaking alien language]

Zenblock: Are you warriors of Earth?!

Noobs: Uh...

Zenblock: [louder] Are you warriors of Earth?!

Tyler: Okay. This is most likely an alien attack. And we will most likely lose.

Kevin: We have to defend our planet!

Shope: Uh, we have slingshots and they have a spaceship!

Kevin: Either way, we're toast!

Noobs: Fire!

Shope: Yeah, I knew that was a long shot.

Kevin: I just wanna say, I love you guys.

Tyler: Spare our planet! We have many things to offer your alien race! Uh, soft cotton fabrics, free Wi-Fi, mixed berry pie!

[cannon shoots]

Shope: This'll most likely hurt.

[Noobs scream and grunt]

Kevin: [panting] Are we still alive?

Tyler: Yes, but Roach is floating.

Roach: Part of me feels happy!

Memnock: Fight Brave Sector 8942 Morears[?] and prepare for the virus!

[Noobs scream]

Zenblock: Eh, those were Earth warriors, right?

Memnock: Yeah, see? With the armor and the facial thing. Right?

Tyler: Okay. So we got hit with these ball things, and now the Roach floats, and Kevin's a possum.

Kevin: All I did was press it, and then I'm a possum! I'm a possum!

Shope: I'm not gonna press it. Ever.

Tyler: Well, these things got on us, right? So they must come off! Maybe if we just... twist [grunts]

[teleportation zap]

Tyler: That was really weird.

Kevin: Huh. You want weird? I'm a possum and I'm eating garbage! [with mouth full] I like garbage, man!

Tyler: Okay, everybody calm down! We all have to stay calm. [inhales] Calm...

Noobs: [inhale and exhale repeatedly]


Roach: Ow!

Shope: Nobody can know about this. If they do, the military will find us, slap us on an examination table and dissect us like frogs in biology class.

Kevin: Got it. Telling is bad.

Tyler: So we act cool. We simply hide these ball things, and we stay cool here and we stay cool tomorrow at school.

[bell rings]

Amy Anderson: Hey, Tyler!

Noobs: [scream]

Kevin: They said "prepare for the virus." What is that?

Roach: Perhaps it's an intergalactic infection that travels through space in a meteor pod, and conquers worlds by turning its own race against each other.

Shope: No, that's not it.

[virus pod swooshes]

Jock Jockerson: [laughs] Mashed potatoes are good. [eats loudly] Ha. What? [rumble, Jock growls]


Kevin: Oh, cool! Food fight!

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Principal: Okay, students. Stay calm and--


Principal: Run for your lives!

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Tyler: Okay, I think Jock's got the virus, and we're supposed to stop it!

Kevin: We should stop him with our super ball power ball things!

Shope: You brought that to school?!

Kevin: Oh, like you guys didn't.

Principal: Yes, I said a Potato Beast or Mashed Monster, but no matter! Get the police now!

[crash, Jock snarls]

Kevin: Okay, everyone. Grab your ball things that go in us and have powers!

Jock Jockerson: [growls questioningly]

Shope: Yeah, we're gonna have to think of a better name for them.

Tyler: Okay. Like in the field. We simply thrust the ball into our chest.

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Roach: It's running at us!

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Noobs: [various grunts]

Tyler: It's not working!

Kevin: We know that!

[Noobs scream and grunt]

Tyler: Okay, that worked.

Shope: Again, I'm still never touching-- Ahh! [grunts]

Kevin: Huh, she seems to have some sort of magnetic power.

Shope: How does this stop anything? [slam]

Tyler: Don't know. But we have to stop the virus from leaving school and infecting our world! So, hold me.

Kevin: Dude, when I said I loved you, I didn't actually mean--

Tyler: Everyone grab hold of me!

[teleportation zap]

Jock Jockerson: [snarling]


Kevin: Whoever's doing that, knock it off.

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Tyler: We cannot let that leave this gym.

Roach: Then stand back, best friends, and face my wrath... Virus beast! [crash] Oh...

Shope: Okay. Who's next?

Kevin: Let's hope this thing has autopack [?] mode! [high-pitched voice] A squirrel? Seriously?! A squirrel?!

Tyler: Okay. If that is a virus, then that makes us antibodies. So we have to attach ourselves to it and press our chest devices to neutralize it.

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Kevin: Do it.

Shope, Tyler, and Kevin: [battle cries]


Shope: Yeah. That didn't work either.

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Kevin: [normal voice] Forget superpowers! The alien dudes should've just given us blasters!

Tyler: Okay... this is interesting.

Jock Jockerson: [growls]

Shope: And... press.

[zap, crash]

Kevin: Oh. I love our ball things that are also awesome blasters!

Shope: Again, we need a better name for them.

Roach: We did it!

Tyler: But how did Jock get like that?

[teleportation zap]

Zenblock: it got infected with the virus.

Shope: And that's the virus?

Memnock: Not anymore!

[Extractor zaps]

Zenblock: And sorry. The battleballs we gave you were meant for more formidable Earth soldiers.

Memnock: But Zenblock messed up.

Zenblock: It was both of us, okay?!

Memnock: So now we're back.

Zenblock: And I would like to try that thing you called "mixed berry pie."

[loud knocking]

Principal: Open up! Who's in there?! I have the police and the fire department!

Shope: We're so getting dissected.

Memnock: Not today!

Memnock and Zenblock: Close your eyes!

Jock Jockerson: Whoa. Check it out. I have no pants!

Principal: Hm... something is very wrong at Cornbury Middle School...

Tyler: Something is so wrong.

Memnock and Zenblock: [loud chewing]

Zenblock: This is good, this is really good.

Tyler: So we beat the virus, and now you guys take the balls back, and everything goes back to normal.

Zenblock: [laughs] Not even close.

Memnock: That was just the first wave.

Noobs: Come again?

Zenblock: Yeah, things are gonna get way, way, way, way, way, way, way worse.

Memnock: Personally, I don't think you'll survive past summer.

Memnock and Zenblock: [loud eating]

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