The Noobs Meet Count Venamus/Transcripts
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Tyrannosaurus Noob/Transcripts

Memnock: We've called you Noobs here because Benevolent Alliance super-leader General Blorgon and the elders have demanded a full inspection of virus fighting units and their battleballs.

Kevin: Yeah, well we demand a vacation! An awesome one. We've been busting our butts fighting the virus, and--

Zenblock: Silence!

Kevin: Got it.

Zenblock: And don't forget the General's number one rule: In intergalactic virus annihilation...

Noobs: Always protect your battleball.

Memnock: Good. Now, let's see 'em.

Tyler: We lost them.

Zenblock: You lost your battleballs?!

Tyler: We gave them to the Roach to keep safe in his hair and then they were gone!

Shope: To be fair, his hair is usually quite secure.

[mouse squeaks]

Memnock: Do you know what happens if the General finds out you lost them?!

Roach: We learn a valuable lesson and then may get a warm hug?

Zenblock: You get your brain sucked out with a swirly space straw!

Shope: But... we still have time to find them. Because I have calculated the travel time and... they are currently 4.6 billion Zelons away.

[doorbell rings]

General Blorgon: Yoohoo! [menacingly] It's General Blorgon.

Shope: Oopsie. Forgot to carry the Gloog.

General Blorgon: And we bring with us great news!

Zenblock: You're canceling the inspection and leaving right now?

Memnock: It was so nice to see you. Bye!

Secretary Hedies: The Earth warriors have earned the Alliance Prize for diligently safeguarding their battleballs

Secretary Techn'ut: A virus-free week at Revnar 6, the galaxy's number one vacation getaway.

Kevin: Now that's what I'm talking about!

General Blorgon: And to claim your prize, just present your battleballs... [menacingly] for inspection.

Kevin: And now I'm not gonna talk anymore!

General Blorgon: And if you don't have them, we will suck out your brain with a swirly space straw!

Kevin: Really?

General Blorgon: Mm-hmm...

Zenblock: [imitates alarm] Oh no! A virus alert! Everyone to battle stations for uh, far away from here to save the Earth!

Memnock: Uh, hurry! Go fight many big battles with your battleballs you clearly have, but need.

Noobs: [scream]

Noobs: [grunt]

Tyler: Roach! You need to remember what you did with out battleballs.

Roach: But I gave up remembering things.

Tyler: His phone! We just need to find his check-ins, retrace his steps, and find the battleballs.

Shope: He went to the arcade, his house, school, and... Angry Bear Mountain?!

Roach: Oh, yeah. My dad takes me up there to teach me juggling.

Mr. Roachmont: Juggling is fun! Oopsies.

Tyler: Okay. Split-up mode. And don't come back until you find. Those. Battleballs!

[clock ticking]

Memnock: You know, I really like your pointy cape, General Blorgon. Dare I say I find it... "cape-tivating"?

[clock ticking]

Zenblock: Heh... is it me, or did the clock just get louder? [laughing nervously]

[condor cry]

Tyler: Guh... no angry bears, no angry bears. And... my battleball! Well... that was easy.

[condor cry]

[bear growls]

Tyler: [screams]

[bears growl]

Shope: Okay. If I were the Roach, I would come to the arcade, get tired, find a comfy place to sleep, and then lose my battleball in the...

Video Game VO: Fluffy Bunny Crane Game!

Shope: Wow. That was easy.

[video game music]

Bunny Toy 1: You love me.

Shope: No, I don't!

Kevin: Here, battleball! Here, red, shiny battleball! Ha! That was easy.

Jock Jockerson: Haha, sweet! I was looking for my gum I lost, but this is way better. Haha.

Kevin: Drop that ball, Jock. It's mine.

Jock Jockerson: Uh, you lost it and I found it, 'kay? Finders keepers, it's the law.

Kevin: I'm very aware of the law.

Jock Jockerson: Bye, dumb noob whose ball I found!

Roach: Hmm... the last time I had my ball, it was right next to my dog whom I love, and he eats everything. Wentworth! Did you eat my battleball?

Wentworth: [burps]

Roach: Huh. That was easy.

Wentworth: [farts]

Roach: Sort of.

[clock ticking]

[alarm rings]

General Blorgon: Okay, I'm officially tired of waiting.

Memnock: Guess who made smoothies! It's Earth's number one delicacy.

General Blorgon: Forget it.

Zenblock: They go great with swirly straws!

General Blorgon: Fine, we'll try the smoothies!

Secretary Hedies: But we're tired of waiting for the battleball inspection and possible prize giveaway.

General Blorgon: And if they don't have their battleballs back soon... [slurps]

Zenblock: Heheh... Those guys. Why don't I just call them?


[condor cries]

Tyler: [whispering] Huh. That was easy. The condor who stole my ball flew away and the angry bears that were chasing me just started their hibernation.

[phone rings]

[bears growl]

Tyler: It's for you. [screams]

[bears growl]

Zenblock: Oh. What's that, Tyler? You saved the world and you are on your way and you very much appreciate General Blorgon's patience and pointy cape?

Memnock: Uh, great! Well, I'll call Shope to hear her say those same words!

Shope: Come on...

[phone rings]

Bunny Toy 2: I love you.

Shope: Whatever you were gonna say, don't. And get to the arcade right now. It's space-themed! You fit in and I need quarters!

Memnock: Fantastic! You don't say? You just defeated another virus beast and will be back any second?

General Blorgon: If this is some sort of false delay you are doing, I will not hesitate to destroy every sing--

Zenblock: More smoothies!

General Blorgon: Ooh! Yes, sir. We love smoothies!

Memnock: Enjoy. We'll be right back!

Jock Jockerson: What kind of ball is this? Jock usually knows every kind of ball.

Kevin: It's called Kevin's ball and you should give it back to me!

Jock Jockerson: Haha. Uh, no. Jock ball!

Kevin: It's my ball, and I need it!

Jock Jockerson: I said the ball is mine!

Kevin: And I say... blast him, but not too hard!


Jock Jockerson: [groans] Okay. You can have Not-Jock ball...

Kevin: Now. How do I get back to the Galacticus and fast!

[battleball whirs]

Kevin: Ha! That was easy.

[battlecycle revs]

[tires squeal]

Kevin: [screaming]



Roach: Wentworth... go! Wentworth, go.

Wentworth: [farts]

Roach: Wentworth! Go...

Wentworth: [farts]

Roach: Wentworth, go. Go, Wentworth. Wentworth, go!

Wentworth: [burps]

Tyler: Almost there... Just gotta...


[bear growls]

Tyler: Yeah, that figures. [screams] Ha! Got it! Yes!


Tyler: [screams] Transport now!

[teleportation zaps]

Tyler: Huh. General Blorgon, sir. Ha, is the rest of the gang here with their battleballs? Like mine? See?

General Blorgon: No. No, they are not.

Tyler: Well then what am I doing here? Haha, when I could be out there finding them. [laughing nervously]

[teleportation zap]

Memnock: Almost there... You're gonna get it this time...

[teleportation zap]

Zenblock: Ugh! You made me goof up. And I was so close, and now I've got another bunny!

Bunny Toy 3: I love you.


Tyler: Wait. Why not just use your powers to get the ball out?

Shope: Unbelievable! Yes!

Memnock: Now, all we need is Roach's battleball and Kevin's.

Kevin: [screaming]


Kevin: Got it!


Memnock: Scratch that. All we need is Roach's.

Zenblock: Transport now!

[teleportation zaps]

Roach: It's in Wentworth. I tried everything to get him to go, but nothing seems to-- Wait...

Tyler: It was in your hair the whole time?!

Roach: But... Wentworth burped a green glow...

Wentworth: [barks and burps]

Roach, Memnock, Shope, and Tyler: What did he eat?

Zenblock: I'm sure he's fine! Now, to the Galacticus!

[teleportation zap]

Wentworth: [burps]

General Blorgon: Time... is... up.

[alarm rings]

[teleportation zap]

Tyler: Made it!

General Blorgon: Where's the obnoxious one?

Kevin: [laughs weakly] Right here, bald wonder! [grunts]

Secretary Techn'ut: Inspection time!

General Blorgon: Hmm... with the battleballs intact... and fully functional, you, young warriors, have proven that you are taking great care of your battleballs.

Secretary Hedies: And you've shown us the wonders of the Earth smoothie. We're addicted!

Kevin: Now bring on the vacation prize thing! Do it!

Secretary Techn'ut: Enjoy your time at Revnar 6, the galaxy's number one vacation getaway.

Noobs: Sweet!

Memnock: You see, Noobs? As long as you follow the number one rule in intergalactic virus annihilation...

Zenblock: You get to visit the number one fun place in all of the galaxy! Haha!

Noobs: [fake agreement]

Memnock: You lost them again, didn't you?

Noobs: Days ago.

Zenblock: Curse you, Noobs!