How to Care For Your Noob/Transcripts
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Dude, Where's My Noob?/Transcripts

[alarms blaring]

Zenblock: His name is Count Venamus. A dark agent of the virus creators who clones the universe in a cloak of invisibility, trying to extinguish warriors who are successful in stopping the spread of the virus.

Memnock: And his capture, we hope, may lead to the elusive source of the virus.

Tyler: We're off to find him, take him down, and take down who or whatever created the virus.

Memnock: No. Nobody can find him. 'Cause nobody's ever seen him. Some say he doesn't even exist.

Kevin: Great, 'cause that sounds like a terrifying mission and I was about to cry!

Zenblock: Actually, we are going here.

Announcer: It's the New Virus Warrior Convention and Recruiters Awards! Yes, once a year, new virus fighting warriors throughout the galaxy meet to exchange information about their virus-crushing techniques and find out who wins "The Virus Warrior Recruiter of the Year", the Benevolent Alliance's top honor!

Zenblock: Ahh, an award that I covet but won't win because we recruited Noobs and you are all terrible!

Roach: You know, it really wouldn't hurt you to say something nice to us once in a while.

Zenblock: Oh, uh, okay. Well how about this? [sing-song] Prepare for quantum boosters!

Noobs: [scream]


Memnock: Now, let's all make a strong entrance to show the convention what great warriors you are.

Noobs: [scream]

Alien 1: [laughs] [speaks alien language]

[aliens laugh]

Roach: I think they like us.

Tyler: That wasn't liking us.

Kevin: Oh, what do you know?

Shope: More than you, but not more than me.

Kevin: Oh, you wanna go?!

Zenblock: Quiet! And just go to the hotel before you make us the laughing stock of the convention!

Roach: Still not being nice.

Memnock: Okay, calm down. They're gonna do great and I don't hear any laughing. Do you?

Count Venamus: [evil chuckle] Every new virus warrior in the galaxy in one place. This will be my easiest elimination ever. Especially when we serve tonight's virus-filled dinner special, the Zaubon Mousse. [evil laughter] [coughs] Coughing, kah! I laughed so hard, it's making me cough. [coughs] That's it. Harder! [grunts]

Rovuscious: Well, if it isn't Memnock and Zenblock! Winners of the "Recruiter of the Year" Award never times! [laughs]

Memnock: Hello, Rovuscious. I see you brought your seven awards with you.

Rovuscious: And this year, my newest recruits will make it an even eight. [snaps]

Memnock and Zenblock: Uhh...

Rovuscious: And uh, where are the new virus warriors from Sector E9-42?

Memnock and Zenblock: Emmm... they are, well, uh...

Kevin: Hey, can we get a movie tonight?

Roach, Tyler, and Shope: And room service?

Zenblock: Umm, the people of Earth are very small and puny but eh...

Memnock: Ferocious.

Zenblock: F-F-Ferocious a-and good.

Rovuscious and Warriors: [laugh]

Rovuscious: The meet-and-greet is in five minutes, followed by the awards dinner at 7, 'kay?

Rovuscious and Warriors: [laughing]

Kevin: Instead of the meet-and-greet, can we go to the hotel pool?

Zenblock: I can't stand you Noobs!

[aliens chattering]

Memnock: Look. We know we're not gonna win tonight, but don't embarrass us in front of the new warrior fighters and Rovuscious.

Shope: Rovuscious is the one who laughed at us and clearly wins the shiny trophy every year and rubs your faces is it because you're terrible recruiters?

Zenblock: Yes! And on second thought, don't say anything.

Memnock: And that's really the key to being a great warrior. Listening...

Zenblock: And not talking!

Tyler: So I know I'm not supposed to talk, right? But you know, sometimes I feel like Mem and Zen don't listen, and listening, I hear, is the key to being a great warrior. And being a team. A team is probably the best way to fight the virus, right? I mean, what do you think is the best way to fight the virus? [screams]

Roach: I'm not supposed to say anything.

Alien 2: I stopped the virus... with these.

Roach: [screams]

Shope: They talk about underwear flaps. [scoffs] Underwear flaps, why would I care? I am a girl. The only girl. How 'bout we talk about something that's not underwear-related or video games-related? [sighs] Boys. Am I right? You follow me, ladies? Okay, that was rude!

Rovuscious's Warriors: [laughing]

Kevin: Hey, this is a very fearsome Earth animal, you should fear me!

Rovuscious's Warriors: [laughing]

Kevin: Stop laughing and listen! I'm dangerous, man! [elephant trumpet]

Rovuscious: Oooh... looks like you won't be winning "Recruiters of the Year"... again! [laughs] Hey, hey. See you at the dinner.

Zenblock: Yeah, you will see us at the dinner and we will be great!

Memnock: Where are your battle suits? It's time for the fancy awards dinner.

Kevin: Aw, face it. We're terrible and they hate us.

Shope: And we're not sure you're big fans of ours, either.

Roach: You still haven't said one nice thing to us.

Zenblock: [sighs] Okay, perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on you Noobs and this whole night is terrible!

Tyler: Not as terrible as this movie.

Kevin: [groans]

Roach: It's so bad!

Tyler: [mocking TV character] "I don't care about the awards dinner. I just wanna be together!"

Kevin, Shope, and Roach: [laughing]

Shope: [mocking TV character] "And I have an itchy butt. And my butt is here. On my head."

Noobs: [laugh]

Memnock: [mocking TV character] "And I once picked a booger this big!"

Memnock and the Noobs: [laughing]

Zenblock: Eh, we're not going to miss anything at that stupid dinner anyway. Let's call room service and blow off that stupid awards dinner!

Memnock and the Noobs: [cheer]

Rovuscious: You guys chow down while I go hug myself. Nothing can stop me from winning tonight. [grunts]

Minion: Zaubon mousse, enjoy.

Count Venamus: Please, enjoy the Zaubon mousse. We made it special for all the new warriors. [chuckles evilly] Not laughing.

Minion 1: Zaubon mousse, enjoy.

Minion 2: Zaubon mousse, enjoy.

Minion 3: Zaubon mousse, enjoy.

Minion 4: Zaubon mousse, enjoy.

Count Venamus: Now they will destroy each other, and we will say goodbye to all the new warriors in the galaxy. [evil laughter] [coughs] Coughing again! [coughing] Hit me! [coughs] Harder! [grunts]

[aliens growl]

Zenblock: Ha. Muting bad movies and putting in our own words is fun. [mocking TV character] "But I do wish our movie had more explosions!"


Shope: [mocking TV character] "And maybe some screams."

[aliens screaming]

Memnock, Zenblock, and the Noobs: [laughing]


Roach: Those screams and explosions aren't coming from our pretend voice movie.

Tyler: They're coming from downstairs.

[aliens screaming and growling]

Kevin: They've all got the virus and are going to eliminate each other!

Zenblock: Not if we can help it. Go, Super Noobs!

[Super Noobs battle theme]

Shope: Okay, ladies. You don't wanna talk about boys, how about something more... shocking?

[Extractor zaps]

Roach: I stopped the virus with this.

Kevin: Like I said, you both should really fear the elephant! [elephant trumpet]

Zenblock: Ohh, I guess they are not so great after all!

[clunk, clunk, clunk]

[Extractor zaps]

Roach: Go, spinning background!

Memnock: Okay, now... how'd they all get infected?

Zenblock: [screams]

Kevin: Ahh! What the heck was that?!

Tyler: I sense a presence. It's evil.

Memnock: [grunts]

Roach: [groans]

Kevin: [elephant trumpet]

Memnock: [whispering] Venamus.

Zenblock: He's here.

Count Venamus: Very good, Memnock and Zenblock of E9-42. You've saved these new warriors, but you cannot save yourselves because you cannot see me! [evil laughter]

Tyler: He's by the punch bowl and he's got four minions!

[Super Noobs battle theme]

Kevin: [elephant trumpet]

Count Venamus: I don't know who your new virus fighters are, but know this! I will be back. And you will be the first ones I destroy! Venamus out! Why haven't I disappeared? W-Why not out?!

Minion: Uh, they short circuited us and we need to recharge.

Count Venamus: [sighs] Well, how long do I have to wait?

Minion: Ummm... you can go soon.

Count Venamus: Now?

Minion: No.

Count Venamus: Now?

Minion: No.

Count Venamus: Now?

Minion: No.

Count Venamus: How 'bout now?

Minion: Yes.

Count Venamus: [quickly] I will destroy you, Venamus out!

[aliens cheer]


Zenblock: Oh-ho. We want to thank you for this shiny award that I love so much! Haha.

Memnock: And we wanna thank our recruits! Because of them, we can all live to fight the virus another day.

Zenblock: Right. [laughs] It's so shiny! [laughs]

[aliens cheer]

Tyler, Shope, and Kevin: Don't eat that!