Shake Your Noobie/Transcripts
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How to Care For Your Noob/Transcripts

[people chattering]

Kevin: [reading] "Welcome to "Up, Up, and Away", Cornbury Middle School's history of flight."

Tyler: You might wanna give it more feeling.

Kevin: Why are we here?!

Shope: Because the Roach signed us up because he's in love with the drama coach and he promised us all cookies for life!

Kevin: Oh, right! [chews loudly] Now, why aren't you in a dumb plane costume?

Tyler: 'Cause I volunteered to be the stage manager so I wouldn't have to wear a dumb costume.

Roach: [distantly] Help! Help! Help me!

Tyler: Uh, what is it? Is the virus attacking?

Roach: [shuddering] I'm a terrible actor. And I can't be terrible, for I so want to impress... [inhales] her.

[dreamy music]

Roach: [giggles and sighs]

Tyler: Okay. Kill the fan and the singing.

[record scratches]

Tyler: And look at it this way. When you have your battleball in, you are a rocket. So just imagine that and you'll be great.

Roach: Right. So, I should do the play with my battleball!

Shope: No, no, no!

Kevin: That's insane!

Drama Coach: Okay, gang. Are you ready for this play to take off?

Roach: [giggling] Hi...

Drama Coach: Oh, Teddy Roachmont, you are the cutest rocket ever! Ten minutes to curtain everyone! And more wind!

Roach: She said I was cute! [gasps] I'm cute!

Kevin: Yeah, and floating away with love!

Shope: Grab him!

Principal: Ooh! What great special effects. I don't even see any wires!

Tyler: Well, you know, as the stage manager, I said, "[chuckles] I don't wanna see any wires," 'cause that's what stage managers do. Call the shots.

Principal: Oh, well, in that case, try and speed things up a bit. Parents always complain school plays are too long. Oh, and spice it up a bit too. Maybe some music or an explosion!

Shope, Tyler, and Kevin: An explosion?

Principal: Well, not real ones. Fake ones that look real and help the play be exciting and not... slow. Okay? Do it! Bye!

Tyler: Okay. Can this play get any worse?

Jock Jockerson: Hey, I wanna do that!

Roach: I'm cute!

Jock Jockerson: I am a jet fighter! The greatest plane of all time, so gimme cool special effects, too, stage manager noob! Or else. Vroom! I'm a jet!

Tyler: Okay. But before I get destroyed by Jock, we have to stop the Roach from floating away from the stage.

Shope: Too late. The skylight is open.

Roach: She said I was cute! Cute!

Shope: We have ten minutes to get him back on stage. Oh yeah, and you have to come up with an explosion.

Tyler: Then it's time to go battleball! Hey, we're totally gettin' better at that.

Shope: And I will lower the Roach down by altering the parametric pressure!


Roach: I'm cute!

[thunder, zap]

Roach: [sighs dreamily]

Shope: Not what I was goin' for.

Kevin: Listen! I think his battleball is short-circuiting.

Roach: [sighs dreamily]


Shope, Tyler, and Kevin: [scream]

Shope, Tyler, and Kevin: [screaming]

Zenblock: What are you doing? You're supposed to be in your boring school play that we're avoiding.

Tyler: [quickly] But the Roach fell in love, then levitated above the stage, then floated out of the school, then we tried to save him, but ended up sparking his battleball, and now he's looming somewhere over Earth looking like a missile! [pants]

Memnock: We have to save him before his mistaken as a missile of danger and not a Roach in love!

Zenblock: Quick! Emergency rescue procedure number nine!

Memnock: [through glass] Wait. This is the emergency deep space travel procedure.

[gas sprays]

Shope: Okay, enact emergency help us XR4Ti mode!

XR4Ti: Way ahead of you. Tracking Roach's battleball now. The Roach missile is currently zooming over the Atlantic Ocean.

Kevin: Great! So what do we do?

XR4Ti: Activate emergency autopilot mode and we'll retrieve Theodore.

Kevin: On it!

XR4Ti: That's the emergency put me [voice gets deeper] to sleep mode...

Tyler: Ah! Quick! Find an emergency wake her up mode!

[buttons beeping]

[various noises]

Shope: I think we woke something else up. Uh, have you ever flown a spaceship before?

Tyler: Uh, it can't be too complicated. Like playing a video game, right?

Kevin: Prepare to go where no Noob has ever gone before!

Shope, Kevin, and Tyler: [screaming]


Tyler: Ahhh! Okay, I think we're gettin' the hang of this!

Shope: [grunts] Now to retrieve the Roach before something really bad happens. Like that.

Sue Newswoman: Breaking news from Europe as the nation of Evilslockistan has reported an unidentified missile violating its airspace.

Kevin: Yeah, that's the Roach.

Sue Newswoman: No country has claimed responsibility for the missile, but Evilslockistan leader, Evil Dan Van, has vowed to destroy it to show the world his might.

Evil Dan Van: Missile we blast down! Show all we strong country! And not crazy. [laughs evilly] We win! Power!

Tyler: They're gonna shoot down the Roach!

Shope: Us too if they see we're a spaceship!

Kevin: Never! 'Cause it's time to activate emergency stealth invisible mode! Or... giant plane with a target on it mode?

Tyler: Okay! No more emergency procedures! Just... save... the Roach!

[alarms blaring]

Evil Dan Van: Finally! We shoot something down! [laughs evilly] Fire!

[blast, whistling]

Roach: She said I'm cute...


Shope: Okay. We have the Roach in our sights.

Tyler: Fire the grabbing arm, if we have one. Oh please let us have one!


Tyler: We have one. Keep not looking!

Roach: I'm cute.

Shope, Tyler, and Kevin: [cheering]

[alarms blaring]

Tyler: Why are there alarms going off?


Kevin: Why are we going downward?!

Shope: If I had to guess, it's an automatic defense response from Roach's battleball and darn it!

Evil Dan Van: Ha! Now we have bigger target! Fire!


Kevin: Incoming!

Roach: I'm in love...

Tyler: They missed.

Evil Dan Van: Fire! [laughs evilly] Fire more! Fire!


Kevin: Wow, these guys are terrible shots.

Zenblock: Okay, here we are in deep space and... not in deep space!

Memnock: Activate emergency get Noobs out of our chairs and get us out of here mode!

Roach: She said I was cute!

Evil Dan Van: I am leader of great country! We show everyone our might! [laughs evilly]

[alarms blaring]

Evil Dan Van: [laughing evilly]

Soldier 1: The plane has left our airspace.

Soldier 2: And our missiles are falling back to Earth.

Evil Dan Van: Uh-oh. Activate emergency shield protection mode!


Roach: I'm cute...

Kevin: And lucky to be alive! And late for the play if we can't get there in one minute!

Shope: We can't, right?

Memnock: Quick, everyone into the emergency escape pod!

Zenblock: We'll program it to drop you behind the school and on time.

Tyler: You don't have any suggestions for shortening the play and adding some special effects, do you?

Zenblock: No. And fire!

Memnock: Wait. We just loaded them into the emergency missile launcher.

Noobs: [scream]

Principal: Oh my. I think it's going to be an exciting play!

Noobs: [screaming]

Tyler: [screaming]

Drama Coach: Now where's our stage manager?


Tyler: [grunts] Curtain.


Kevin: [dazed] Welcome to the play thing! History of flight stuff!

Shope: [screaming, crash] [dazed] Biplane...

Jock Jockerson: And I am a jet fighter, the mightiest of all planes, and nothing can take me down!

[whistle, crash]


Principal: Except a missile!

[audience cheers]

Principal: Ooh, what a great explosion. And so short and not boring.

Tyler: [dazed] Close... curtain.

Drama Coach: Teddy was so great, and they loved the play. Quick, emergency curtain call!

Tyler: No more emergency procedures! [grunts]